~undefined feelings~

Mixture of feelings has accompanied me now. I am very clueless and do not know what to do. The negative feelings kept absorbed in this invisible blanket, and wrap myself in it. This heart cannot be shown yet still wound. This time, it suffers enough. In deep. So deep until my eyes have burst into tears. The worst part when I need to pretend that I am okay but my heart knows that I want to scream my sadness out loud. I guess the happiness is a temporary term in the dictionary of my life. I am no one for him. I never say those three words, not because i am planning not too, but he's so significant in my life until i want to wait for a very dear moment for him to express those magical words. but still, what had happened was so unpredictable. So unexpected. at the moment I felt very close to him, and completely open my life for him, he left me with no reason. Because of this exquisite feeling, stupidly, I pray for him to come back in my life, and be with me. Why ALLAH it ends this way? Don't I deserve to be happy too? or it is my fate to be happy by only seeing and sharing other persons' happiness? Of course I wont never ever blame ALLAH for what had happened. But I blame myself for being weak. I'm So Sorry ALLAH!! So vulnerable inside here.

AgAin...

After several months didn't update my blog, suddenly today i want to write something in it. i think i need a platform to improve my writing skills. although i left this blog like several months but still, i wrote journals every day during my practicum. Hope it's counted. Now, i am sitting in front of a classic computer, but still sophisticated, writing this entry while enjoying every single moment i have with my family. We have a big event to be handled, and I know that this is our family's happiness to watch my dearest sister, getting married with a person that she loves with all her heart. As a sister, for sure i am extremely euphoria with this news and i am pretty sure both of the future brides are counting the days to the magical date. I hope she will be happily ever after with her new life. I also realize the fact that after her, people want to see I and someone getting married. Surprise...:) I think i have mentioned in my previous entry (maybe not in this blog) that my love story is always complicated. I have taught my mind to accept the fact that i am not very fortunate in finding my soul mate. It's okay, since I believe in His promise. Some people said that in 23, i suppose to have a boyfriend, but.............

Dear ALLAH SWT, bless my family with the unbreakable love from all MUSLIMIN and MUSLIMAT... it's all i need.. insyaALLAH...one day..u will see my turn comes...:)

ThE BesT pArt Of a FriENdsHip...

Salam, I am totally guilty for the empathic responses from my closest friends. I am deeply sorry for that. I admitted that lately I am very emotional and in pain, mentally and physically. Several things happened that had contributed for my uncomfortable feelings and sickness. But ALLAH is VERY FAIr, alhamdulillah, HE gives me the beautiful friends and family to take care of my feelings even though I am pretty faraway from there. They Support me from the net (of course), wondering how am I here, and wishing my health and I quite touched to receive all the loves and attentions. Thank you ALLAH for giving me the sweetest people to love me. I have once, thought that there's no one would love me and I admit that, that is the stupidest thing to think about. Sorry again.. I am totally drowning in the ocean of the obstacles and I can't see how exquisite the life is when you think positive and be patience. I have promised to a friend who seems really care about my condition to be strong. Coz "the Friend" stated that I am a strong person...insyaALLAH... hope I can get well soon and cure from the shattered feeling... go away the negative feelings...coz I will not down for that reasons anymore... INSYAALLAH....

ThE QuesTioNs TheY AskED me..

In the globalisation era, no doubt how your students become so expose to the adult matter especially love. Just now, during a relief class, I just let them did their works since it was the last period and I believe that they need some rest. So some of the students came at my table and chatted with me. Suprisingly, one of them asked me, "Teacher, what is love actually?". I just like, hello...you are still thirteen years old, and i dont think that topic is relevant in our discussion. They did not satisfied and stated that they are getting older and they need to know that. But still I did not answer it since I do not want my students to missunderstand or intepret it wrongly. By the way, until now, I still can't give a good answer for that question. Huhu, dislike to talk about it right now. Dear students, you will meet so many amazing persons in your future and among of them, there will be your other half..just wait dear...now..u need to STUDY..that's your priority...K?

EvEry NighT...

Yesterday I died...tomorrow's bleeding... Today I'm suppOsed to be happy..but lately I do Not feel really happy.. even though I am enJoying every little piece in my school, but when I came back home, I'll feel solitude, so lonely and...don't know what word can best describe this weird and empty feeling rite now. I feel so damn shattered and it conquers all my feeling and trapped me into a dark hole. I dislike the situation when you can feel the pieces of broken heart falling slowly..the hardest part is when metaphorically, those black pieces, look like a rough object with tiny needles, and you can feel the hurt when they falls slowly from your heart. Is it wrong for me to feel the pain when you make the distance? Is it a failure when I feel uncomfortable with all the rumors that I've heard? i will be patient as always.. coz i believe that if we can control ourselves from all the pain, suffers and those negative sources out there...ALLAH will bless us with his reward..trust me.. sabar azie... everything happens for a reason.. a reason that will improve us...insyaALLAH... :)

...SHaTtEreD...

Yesterday I died; tomorrow's bleeding
Fall into your sunlight
The future's open wide beyond believing
To know why hope dies
And losing what was found, a world so hollow
Suspended in a compromise
But the silence of this sound is soon to follow
Somehow sundown
And finding answers
Is forgetting all of the questions we call home
Passing the graves of the unknown

As reason clouds my eyes with splendor fading
Illusions of the sunlight
A reflection of a lie will keep me waiting
With love gone for so long
And this day's ending
Is the proof of time killing all the faith I know
Knowing that faith is all I hold

And I've lost who I am, (i'm waiting)
and I can't understand (and fading)
Why my heart is so broken, (and holding)
rejecting your love, (love) without, (onto these tears)
love gone wrong; lifeless words carry on (i am crying)
But I know, all I know's that the end's beginning (i'm dying tonight)
who I am from the start, (i'm waiting)
take me home to my heart (and fading)
Let me go and I will run, (and holding)
I will not be silent, (silent) all this time (onto these tears)
spent in vain; wasted years wasted gain (i am crying)
All is lost but hope remains and this war's not over (i'm dying tonight)
There's a light, there's a sun (i'm waiting...)
taking all these shattered ones
To the place we belong (i am waiting...)
and his love will conquer all

Yesterday I died; tomorrow's bleeding
Fall into your sunlight

I found this song in youtube if I am not mistaken. The song is so exquisite and the lyric is so deep. It is quite close to someone who is in solitude. You can't imagine my feeling, when I was listening to this song, I was so alone in my room and it touched my heart in depth. Hope you enjoy this song because the words actually can help you in your ENglish..:)

WeEkEnd or..WeAk-End...?

Salam...

When I am writing this post, the weather here, quite cold since it's rainy...but not too heavily. I enjoy the rain pretty obvious since I love rain actually. This is my very first time spending my weekend at Damansara and it is not bad. I am quite shocked even though I am faraway from my closest soul-roomates; Dina and Zila, but I am NOT boring or feel lonely. Maybe because I actively keep in touch with my very bestfriend, Nik and my dearest young little sister, also Nik..:). Coincidence rite? This whole weekend, I am finishing my ROS report which we have to submit it tomorrow, and actually we only have a day for our weekend since yesterday, we had to replace school day for Chinese New Year. Never mind, since they replaced it with "Thursday" schedule, so I kind of not-too-busy that day. :) Yesterday, at the school, we had the spelling bee competition for Form 1 and Form 2 students and I spent my time went to that competition and supported my dearest students. Even though they can't make it to the final, but I still proud of them. But, I am quite sad and suprised, when I had a relief class at 2 Anggerik, suddenly, one of my student who I chose to join that competition, went to see me and apologize since she can't make it to the final. WOW...seriously, she didn't need to say sorry, because I don't get angry after all. I quite touched since she came and apologize... I feel extremely guilty for make her felt that way... I think I should give them spelling activity in class after this... I start to love this profession...God..bless us all...AMIN!!

47 notes of love...

Yup...there are 47 notes from my beloved students that really make my day...even though i am so new in this field..but they make feel their noble love..which i can say...that's the beautiful things.......

Words...

Last year, when all my friends were busy creating and updating their own blogs, I decided to create it too and for those who had read and knew about the existence of my old blog, I want to say a thousand thanks for your time. Frankly, I do not have any gifted talent in writing, and the old blog, seriously, I reflect myself since I did not get the function of writing a blog. Cause I believe, we need to do something for a reason, and I feel guilty if people read my blog without any significant knowledge. So, what I've done was, I made it private and kind of left it like that. Honestly, there's other reason why I make it private. I do not want "someone" to read my words. Maybe I was too expose since I did reveal several personal infos like my email, pictures, even my birthday. So sorry, I was young perhaps that time. My cousin asked me if I have a blog, but seriously I was ashamed to reveal my insignificant blog since I post things with no purpose. But this year, I really want to contribute something via my blog and I hope people gain something when they read my blog...INSYAALLAH....AMIN